The documentary is regarding Formula Feeding; the lack of support and the overwhelming judgement formula feeding mothers receive over it. Since many of you know I was a part of this, I felt I am compelled to at least tell my story in length. If you have been following this blog since Hailey's birth you may know some of this already but at least this way, its all in one blog post!
And don't worry, I will inform all of you when the documentry is ready to view!
I always planned to breastfeed. It was just something I wanted to do. I did not have any hang ups over it but would go to formula if needed, even just to supplement. My peers & family always have been the type to support whatever decisions I made. I had no reason to justify my decisions regarding feeding my child, and they never asked for it either.
When registering for the baby shower, I remember picking out a cute "hooter hider," looking at what kind of pump I'd want (and fretting over the cost of them!), nipple shields, storage bags, the works. I also looked into what type of bottles I wanted to use and which brand I thought would best suit my baby (I remember researching and deciding on BPA free).
My daughter, however, had much different plans then I did. She came 7 weeks early. As most women had a birth plan, mine certainly went out the window the second my water broke (full rupture). Once my baby was born, she wasn't laid on my chest, as I wanted, I didn't get to breastfed her from the beginning. She was whisked away by the waiting NICU team to check her vitals, lungs, etc. I got a total of maybe 30 seconds with her before she was taken away to the NICU.
I was nervous, scared, you name it. I didn't get to see her again until a hour or so later. There she was, perfect, serene and sleeping in her isolette. I was able to hold her and was just in awe of her beauty. My motherly bliss was short lived, then came the anxiety of having a preemie in the hospital.
As you can see by the picture to the right, she had a feeding tube. Unlike mothers who birth full term babies whom are present to feed their babies from the second they are born, I could not be there 24/7. Preemies feedings are regulated to a T. They must be aware of every CC they take in. Babies born before 36-37 weeks gestation usually do not have the Suck, Swallow, Breathe coordination as they were born too early to develop it. Hailey was born at 33 weeks and 3 days. She did not have this coordination and the NICU does not attempt it until at least 34-35 weeks. So the G-tube was her only source of nutrition along with the IV.
I remember the next morning as I was wheeled into the NICU, I was excited & anxious to see my baby. I was greeted immediately (more like hounded) by the neonatologist, wondering when I was going to provide breast milk. However, he phrased it like "you are going to breast feed aren't you?" I was completely taken back by this and I remember feeling overwhelmed by it. I had just birthed my baby 7 weeks early, I had no idea when I could take her home or how she had done throughout the night, all I wanted to do was see her. I was planning to pump my breast milk, I just didn't know why that was the first order of business, he didn't even introduce himself.
I learned his urgency later. Hailey wasn't handling her feeds well, and they thought she would digest the breast milk easier (I learned why she didn't handle the formula they had given her later... something they didn't even consider). I was given a long list of foods to avoid and set up with the hospital LC (lactation consultant). I remember watching the breast pump every second of the 10-15 minutes I pumped, hoping my milk would come in, especially since I was asked for it each time I visited the NICU. It finally came in 3 days later, full force!!
Hailey was diagnosed with Reflux at 2 days old. Also known as GERD. In her case, during her feeds and up to an hour afterwards, her heart rate & blood oxygen saturation levels would plummet. This is also referred to as Brady's & D-stats. Basically, her food would start to come back up pushing on her diaphragm and slowing her heart rate.. sometimes dangerously low. The machines she was hooked up to would beep & scream each time.
My milk did come in and she was handling this much much better. While her reflux issues were not cured overnight (as breast milk is not the "cure" for this) she was improving with how much of her food she'd actually digest. The Brady;s & d-stat occurrences, however, did not improve. She also broke out with the most terrible, bleeding rash. I remember being greeted by a nurse with an accusing "what have you been eating that is burning your baby's skin?" I was following all directions. I wasn't eating anything from the list they gave me. They tried cream after cream, ointment after ointment. Hailey would scream with every diaper change.
I have seen my tiny infant turn blue more times in the first 4 weeks of her life than the average parent would in their entire lifetime.
Breastfeeding wasn't pushed at this time by the neonatologist & nurses. As a matter of fact, it was hardly brought up. A few times during Kangaroo Care, I 'd attempt it, only for her to scream and then brady/d-stat. Therefore, I didn't push it either. The OT talked about going at her own pace in order to prevent a nipple aversion which could essentially cause her to stop eating completely. In this case, she would have to be primarily tube-fed and wouldn't be able to come home for much longer.
Breastfeeding is done with the infant in a laying down position, with Hailey's reflux and her brady/d-stat issues made this difficult. I couldn't exactly breastfeed with her upright. I committed myself to exclusively pumping. I wasn't going to put my child through that just so she could get her milk from my breast. In my mind, she was getting my milk in a bottle and that is just as good as her getting straight from the source. I dropped all attempts to have her feed from my breast. I had no reservations about this. I wasn't about to have her return to the hospital, hooked up to those machines, inserted with the g-tube AGAIN from me creating an aversion from pushing it.
I concentrated on her being able to take in an entire feed one her own, without falling asleep and without any brady/d-stats. I wanting my baby HOME.
Hailey made tremendous strides after this. She came home 2 days shy of her 1 month birthday. She had been in the NICU for 4 weeks and 1 day (29 days). Her homecoming was the best news I could get.
Hailey came out on an apnea monitor. Her bradys & d-stats still occurred enough for the neonatologist to insist on it. She was to be hooked up to it while eating, sleeping, car rides or any time we were not right there to see when she was having an episode. We were instructed to continue feeding her upright and to keep her upright up to 30 minutes after her feds (all for her reflux). I rented a hospital grade pump since this was what I committed to.
Hailey was also to have a home nurse visit 3 times a week to administer epogen shots. Her iron levels were extremely low (which caused her to fall asleep so much, she didn't have the energy to stay awake and eat).
One thing that also continued past her release, was her horrid diaper rashes. Just when I thought it was clearing, another would come... with a vengeance. I noticed once she hit her due date, she became increasingly fussy. She would cry all day long off and on. This wasn't the typical colic where she'd cry all night long, she cried throughout the day too. I did everything I could comfort her.
Between the constant fussiness, the need to pump every 3 hours (as my baby screamed the whole time), balancing the nurse visits, administering her reflux meds every 4 or 6 hours depending on the med, fighting a diaper rash, I was exhausted.
I remember on my 27th birthday, Hailey cried practically the entire time. She was hard to comfort. Here was her first family event and she was fussy. She was happy while she ate but screamed off and on afterwards. On Halloween, I stopped my mom's house with Hailey dressed as a bumble bee. She was fussy all day long and even as we got there. I sat on her couch and felt defected. I told my mom she cries all the time and I do not understand why she wasn't a happy baby. I wondered what I was doing wrong.
Eventually came the blood-laced diapers. At first, the pedi wasn't as concerned, however, when I called after hours with a blood-filled diaper and a screaming baby in the background, she wanted me to take her in the next day.
At this appointment, she held Hailey in her arms, bouncing and swaying. Hailey would tense up & cry then relax, tense up & cry then relax. She referred me to a Gasteroentologist thinking maybe he would be able to workout her reflux issues. She also stated for me to try a hypo-allergenic formula called Nutramigen. She suspected a milk & soy protein allergy. Since I wasn't eating dairy, she feared Hailey could be allergic to the proteins present in my breast milk, this was rare, but possible.
After ONE WEEK (typical time it takes to adjust) of using this extremely expensive formula, I saw a brand new baby. She was happy for more than 5 minutes. She rarely fussed other then when she was wet or hungry or for her reflux issues. I think I cried when I realized what I had been doing to her all this time. Feeding something to her that caused her pain. I didn't even want to think about what it did to her to cause bloody poop.
I had my happy baby!!
The GI doc agreed with the allergy and told me to continue feeding her the formula. We were prescribed different meds to help with her reflux. I felt like a stepped into a new world! A world with a happier baby and a less stressed me!! I saw my baby happy. I ditched the pump and never looked back.
I felt NO GUILT about switching to formula. That is until I realized what backlash accompanied it. The stuff I was reading about poisoning my baby, making my baby fat, lowering her IQ, having my baby's only food source compared to feeding her pizza & Cheetos. This isn't when I felt guilty, this is when I felt angry. I felt judged. I was considered a bad mother who was lazy and didn't try hard enough. WHAT??
Walk a day in my shoes, and you would have made the exact same decision. I had 2 doctor's supporting me, one who is a HUGE breast feeding advocate (my pedi). My preemie baby was considered "caught up" to her actual age before the ago of 2 when this typically happens with most preemies. She's healthy, thriving and happy. And in the end this is all that matters. I do not regret my decision.
Will I breast fed my next child? Of course, I will give it try. I am still a huge breast feeding supporter and always will be. I am also a formula-feeding supporter and always will be. I have never been otherwise and my story doesn't change any of that. However, if my next experience also turns out to be unsuccessful, I won't hesitate to move to formula feeding.
